I once got taken by surprise by my cousin at her birthday party asking why my boyfriend hadnt come. I think I feel like the confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized? Although still-couldnt you just say dude, Im still working, can you hang out for an hour reading before we watch our show? I didnt know what to do and chased after her. Do they seem loose and easygoing about these kinds of social rules, or are they more proper and formal? I think if you can spin it into an actual conversation about invitation styles a la this comment thread, it is more likely to stick in peoples brains. This sounds exactly like the developmental stage that our kid is going through shes currently grappling with the fact that other people wont always do things just because she demands it, and having temper tantrums when she gets confronted with that fact. How to invite yourself over to someone's house. I know, but like I said up thread, Ive had a couple of friends in the past who would in fact regularly cancel that close to whatever-it-was, so I got in the habit for a while because I couldnt trust that plans were real. That could take 15 min, and it doesnt save me any time! Why view it as a personal offence? I also feel discomfort from the other side, when Im the person who could have conceivably been involved but am not. And then there was the time we had this conversation: So I was talking to this guy Stephan last night, and he invited me over to a party he is having this evening. Hey, you seem upset, is everything OK? Or at least for the text to come not while theyre sitting in my driveway I had to have an absolute tear down fight with my mum to get her to stop just dropping in on me and randomly eating entire afternoons that I had planned to do other things with. I am just offering another perspective on the need for advance notice before a visit because the LW was having trouble understanding why thats a thing people would want. Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. Get a chain and a deadbolt if you dont have one. She said said I was the one getting married, I could invite whomever I wanted. Okay, can I say, I find comments like this REALLY ableist. I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. Le sigh. I briefly tried to date this guy who would tell me his plans for the day that was half the time an invitation and half the time not. Me: (Feeling the freedom to say I cant, or to say Im tired, or to say that sounds good but maybe a different day) Thanks for thinking of me! An ex-partner of mine used to plan their scheduling (work, social and romantic) very tightly. And its a multiple-day drive to get to Vacation Placewe dont even have room for another kid in our car! If you can learn to be a bit easygoing about this, you will come across as a very relaxed, chill dude [person] who is not afraid to ask someone out [take the lead socially] but who doesnt hold on too tightly. Get a small to medium sized bag for your things. Its about the person being visiteds anxieties, upbringing, guilt, etc. It is at someones home, and if you were invited, youd already be invited, or the person will use this conversation to specifically invite you by adding If you are free, you are welcome to come. Your script(s) are I hope the weather is nice/that sounds fun/Is it for a special occasion or just hanging out., Person #3: Im doing house stuff, too. Asking people not to do something theyre already doing is much more fraught territory than letting someone know its okay to do something theyre not doing. Any advice anyone wants to throw my way is welcome. i do not mean: we talked at work once and she didnt invite me to her wedding. Im lucky to live in nyc, where that is more likely to be understood. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. I dont think it was all or nothing when I was a kid. 2023 Leaf Group Ltd. / Leaf Group Media, All Rights Reserved. It hasnt worked as well for me though. - JAD Aug 1, 2017 at 14:12 3 "Do take pictures" could be an alternative - JollyJoker Aug 1, 2017 at 14:44 9 I had to train myself not to. I too have been in a fairly fighty friendship that was often, like you say: wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. You can be nice and tell her youll be leaving for fun thing at 3:15. But something like a board game night or a party where everybody but one person was invited, yeah Id avoid that because it seems mean. This is all excellent. We kind of do that Sunday is the only day that Mr Bird and I are both free so when we run into friends during the week we often tell all of them Come over Sunday between 4 and 7 for tea and usually at least one will show up. Something that we have found interesting in many of these cases is that women generally tend to play dumber for guys. We do our weekly cleaning Sunday morning anyway so thats also the cleanest time of the week! Im hungry too. Even short and enjoyable visits can be ruined by not knowing when they will end. Since all of this Ive had a friend who lived across town who was actively encouraged to stop by when he was in the area because it happened rarely and it was difficult to see him otherwise. If I am not invited, I assume I am not invited. Your presence will glorify this party. Hopefully was not too awkward! I would have said this was a healthy supportive relationship. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. Britney: No, WERE (gestures back and forth between me and her) going out. Or Im burnt out and demand me time just because. 2. You may get his favorite game and invite yourself over so that he can show you how to play. I grew up in the country where this was just A Thing That Happened. I broke it off because I couldnt take the conflict anymore. Id advise you to take dropping by her house uninvited completely off the table. Personally, Im totally fine with friends just showing up at my house. Where I grew up there was an open door culture. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. The situations you describe wouldnt bother me in the least! INDEED. Its 9:30am on a Saturday. I am old enough and have talked myself through this sort of thing enough, and busy enough with my own life, that I generally respond to we went out and did this fun thing we didnt invite you to by saying oh, really, that sounds nice! and I mean it. logically it would! I dont tend to have long Facebook/text/IM chats with people, I use those things mostly to send direct invitations when Im making plans. In my nMoms reality, faaaaaaaaaaaamily can just pop in any time of day or night, and call you whenever they like, too. No way. Clutter is one thing trying to (unsuccessfully) clean up after 7-, 14-, and 44-year-old males in my house is something completely different. From the angle Im looking, her best friend is trying to decrease the closeness or frequency of interactions in this relationship, and the LW hasnt quite gotten that message yet. Inviting yourself over to someone's house for dinner? Letter Writer, I hope this gives you some clarity, and lets you put your dads mean voice in your head to rest. They lived an hour and a half away. She is MUCH better about it now, because for about a year she was being left off of invitation lists completely because everyone got so tired of dealing with her vile, unpleasant, and eventually abusive boyfriend. Even before then shes become increasingly distant and Ive been getting the impression that if Im not in her life in a certain way, she doesnt have space for me. Maybe Im misinterpreting because I dont know the LW or her friend but it seems much more intense than to say hi. Dearest LW, please be sure to not only ensure a friend has availability, but also interest, combined with a way for them to graciously say no. You could always try to convince yourself that the 15 minutes late thing applies even to your mother. My life doesnt accommodate drop-ins, and if any of my friends did that, Id ask them not to. I can see the conflict between desires, but it seems like it might be easier or at least less violating for people who want unexpected visitors to encourage them to drop by whenever than for people who dislike it to tell people to go away. Maybe in the past they've spent time with these people, but have felt ignored or left out, or like they were quiet and boring. She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. Thinking about this some more, the bottom line for me about how much arranging is needed beforehand is how much am I going to have to change my plans now that you are here? For me there actually felt less pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging by phone. We had keys, together a year. Like my ex was anxious about casual invitations outside of her home (like at a nearby pub) that had less than 24 hours notice. c. Dirty Dishes. Re: ADHD Girl (also sorry nesting fail) organized? They would assume that they were invited to share meals with us if they happened to be over at our house when we were about to eat. Out of context, proposing that you drop by to show off your new bike doesnt sound like a big deal, if only because (Im guessing) the bike implies youre not going to stay long. I am firmly in camp Ask, but my midwestern relatives are not. I MISS the days when people would stop by and you could invite them in or chat briefly on the stoop, as suited the homeowner side of the drop by. You might also find out what his favorite type of movie is and maybe find it on Netflix or disney+, then ask if you can watch it at his house. If the guy were my boyfriend, not just someone Id gone on a few dates with, it would either be fine or, if Id wanted to do something before everyone came over, mildly annoying. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. (Im not saying they were saying that, or that youre wrong to feel affronted, just giving my read). Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. This right here. They can't exactly forbid you from going. Keeping a lot of lies straight is a very stressful endeavor. I enjoy doing that the way some people enjoy playing softball. Oh man the people who will turn up at the door and then call/text. I have a friend who has really bad social anxiety (which paired with my own anxiety is not always a fun time). Just Im coming over to do/help with/talk about x,y, and z. and Id have to scramble for an excuse. Note, your friend might just want a bit more space generally it might not be anything about your friendship, they might just be a bit stressed with life generally and want to claw back some control/mental space/holiday/have a break whilst redecorating/re-training, and they might be back with enthusiasm later. The short version, LW, is: Always ask. For me I think a lot of it is upbringing. Hell no!! Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. I discuss it more in this article, about when you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. 4. Anyway, youre describing this as though everyone knows whats expected, which is what I disagree with. But I moved away, and now that I am well out of college anyone who came by unannounced would definitely get a are you ok? Then shell stay for an hour and a half!! Visits are preceded by five days of anxiety, and followed by days of needing to be loved, and held, and told that I am a good person, and that my parents are shitlords. But of course she could be right (in hindsight, it would have been nice to have food to offer at midnight, but I haven't had time all . What counts as nothing pressing? Maybe they want to go home and do a Netflix marathon or something. I am so glad asking this question because its one Ive also had, although in my case Im on the other side of the fence Im friends with the mom, and her daughter likes my kids, but they cant stand her. And mine is people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude. If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. Pick up stray underwear and small rolly toys that might result in a death if someone tripped over them? If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. Letting a guy know that you want to go back to his place can be very forward and scary to do. Just realized Im in your neck of the woods, mind if I swing by for a quick howdy on my way home?. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them, and its so great to hang out with someone for whom Come by my place Saturday at 9:30 means I will go by their place Saturday, at 9:30 without any further confirmation or negotiation being necessary. Example #27. I am not good at dealing with such people. Or if I say, to, in a completely made-up situation, to my dads sweet elderly Midwestern cousin, Oh sure come over for lunch the next time you have to be in town to go to the VA. Oh. (My friend is a really good person and as close to a sibling as Ive got outside my actual family. That it would never occur to me to perceive that others regard me as less-than for possibly benefiting from their input may also help. There is no amount of money that exists that would get me to play softball (Gym class PTSD). Dear LW Ill also disagree that invitations arent a reflection of friendship. For more information, please see our I am going to discuss fun things with family with other family, even though family event might conceivably include all family. Im not the kind of person who would appreciate a random drop by. Really bad social anxiety ( which paired how to invite yourself over to a guys house my own anxiety is not always a time. Short and enjoyable visits can be very forward and scary to do chased... The confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized quick on... Im still working, can I say, I assume Im not saying they were saying that, are... Chats with people pre-arranging by phone a guy know that you want to go back to his place can how to invite yourself over to a guys house. 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