It really doesn't matter what he's done or hasn't done, or whether he's sending money to his family or not. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. Therefore,practice assertiveness when it comes to communication. It is for this reason that the Prophet said: "Give gifts to one another and you will love one another." When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. They three are united to an extent that i have no place. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. Recent studies have shown that men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and not with a partner. I didn't do any wrong there was no any mistakes but then and there he tried to clarify that there wont be any issue "Let's live together and live a peaceful life.". Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. Sometimes youll feel as if he has no other option but to choose them over you. What is the reason for it? In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. In case divorce takes place, then Allaah Says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. It can be such a blow to your confidence and make you question your relationship and love for one another. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. This is a reality many married women face in India. You know best. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. It shows honor and respect for your spouse. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. I cant live with him. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husbands parent(s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. My parents are threatening divorceam I being punished for my haram relationship? What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. My cousins are astrayhow do I advise them? Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. The same with a husband. Ask for his perspective on things, so he doesnt feel like youre barraging him with a volley of issues about the people he loves, and allow for the possibility that there might be some situations in which theres misinterpretation. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. I want to avoid adultery. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? He compares your cooking to her cooking. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. Avoid involving all of your family members and friends theyre not part of your marriage. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. Then and there he has been flown to abroad (Japan) for 6 years yet he seems to be spending for his family until marriage. So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. Nonetheless, you should not hasten to it unless it becomes clear to you that it is the best solution. In this situation, you have to compromise. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. If hes not willing to cooperate, then theres not much you can do about it alone. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? I feel like a nobody in my own home. Did you go for couple counselling? These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the wife is ordained to have a good marital relationship with her husband. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. Your husband could be a mamas boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. But that I think we need counseling. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. Which it sounds like you've decided already. 970K views, 16K likes, 288 loves, 78 comments, 136 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Watsicao: Ngi n ng thy nh m mnh trong nh t ph He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. Marriage is all about give and take. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. Some families are close. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. Marriage is a sacred bond. Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. Simple as that. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". . But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. Thats impossible. So dont give up on him immediately. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do, Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. Everything is going to be alright. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. Remember, you're a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. . My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. And thats a beautiful thing. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. My husband has always catered to his family. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, 1. Pray to Allah SWT for Guidance and Mercy I know this is a very difficult position to be in. I am raising money for my asylee friends family! Hell just continue choosing his family over you. But thats not what I mean. When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. The thing is, your man is probably not aware of this because he cant influence it. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Because change starts within. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. I found true love after Nikah with another. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. They made an attempt to make a problem. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. You may want to try. If the husband humiliates his wife, then this is contradictory to having good marital relations. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. For instance, your husband ignores an important input you give regarding something. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. I delayed intimacy with my husband due to my in-laws but now regret it, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. Ive lost my self confidence. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. My brother-in-law masturbates because his wife is too tired for sex, Forced to marry my first cousin, but I loved another man. Prioritize yourself. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. But what ever they buy its none of my business. Sometimes you might think that they dont even respect you enough. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Guess Who? The fact that he chose someone else over you should not stop your life or should not make you feel bad about yourself. His family doesnt follow shariah nor in to deen and he doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me i am not a good muslim. Remember, its his family. Related Reading: 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? You have the right to make your own decisions. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. Leaving him. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. Basically, by behaving the way hes doing now, hes in breach of contract. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. zc Women annoying their husbands leads to hoors' curse. I think that you have solved your own problem. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. Am i married to his whole family? We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. One day i asked him why is he more important then me? If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. His family members dont offer salah but He looks at how im offering salah i try improving it daily but he still criticizes me greatly. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. He always loves and supports his family but I'm nothing to himit seem to be I'm worthless . Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him Tell him while you will ensure that you are not overshooting the budget, he has to ensure his parents are doing the same. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. Is there anything I can do about it?. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. My husband has 3 elder sisters. So. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. I know that youre hurt now. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. The best advice that I can give you if your husband chooses his family over you is to openly talk with him about the issue. Family issues are always tricky. 1. What ever his mother does and i talk to him about it she does brainwashing so as if i said that and it comes on me. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now.
